Of late, I have a great sense of blankness. Am I loved ? I know I am I have the most loving mom, caring brother and sisters and very affectionate spouse. People around me like me. Some find me childlike and some find me as an ideal person. Whatever that would mean. The child in me is looking for unlimited amount of love, covered by superimposed desires such as wish of approval and acceptance.Is it my immaturity that I crave for love without taking the apparent risk of loving ? I ponder and deduce that more one afraid to love, the more the desire to be loved.
I often think what is reality ? What I am observing around is real or not is not clear. All things happening around me is actions and reactions of various person, place and situation. Once my brother has told me that reality exists when no one is looking. I feel reality exists, its only that I am never looking.While I write this my mind is also thinking of people who would say are you being low or off or depressed or feeling lonely. I have no feelings. When I ponder why am I thought of following either of these characteristic ? Who defines them. Whats depressing for you can be enlightening for me. What is joy for you can obtain my indifference and what is joy for me can be boring for you. So what is real ? Your feeling of depression or my feeling of enlightenment?
This again brings me back to the same question. What is real ? And what is an illusion? Some people say illusion and living in illusion gives only negativity. What is negative ? Today I feel if I actually obtain what I wish in love or admiration, I do not perceive it as it is really forthcoming in the particular personal flavor and atmosphere of the person involved .I cannot be satisfied with it in the long run because it does not live up to my idea of it.
I often think what is reality ? What I am observing around is real or not is not clear. All things happening around me is actions and reactions of various person, place and situation. Once my brother has told me that reality exists when no one is looking. I feel reality exists, its only that I am never looking.While I write this my mind is also thinking of people who would say are you being low or off or depressed or feeling lonely. I have no feelings. When I ponder why am I thought of following either of these characteristic ? Who defines them. Whats depressing for you can be enlightening for me. What is joy for you can obtain my indifference and what is joy for me can be boring for you. So what is real ? Your feeling of depression or my feeling of enlightenment?
This again brings me back to the same question. What is real ? And what is an illusion? Some people say illusion and living in illusion gives only negativity. What is negative ? Today I feel if I actually obtain what I wish in love or admiration, I do not perceive it as it is really forthcoming in the particular personal flavor and atmosphere of the person involved .I cannot be satisfied with it in the long run because it does not live up to my idea of it.
There are phases and there are phases.
ReplyDeleteDefine love. Your definition. It is bound to be different from every person you know, their interpretation. So they may love you and benchmark that love(if at all) by their own standard definition. It may or may not be enough by your benchmark.
when the feeling of self worth comes from someone else, we tend to live life , very afraid and insecure, willing/ unwilling to please/ displease as we feel appropriate.It also becomes difficult to understand everyone's standards and measure your love/ feeling/ action based on those. Let's face it, how many standards can you have?
When the feeling in internally driven and not dependent on what others think , it is much easier to handle as there's only one standard.
The next question: what is reality? It's as is. It exists. happens. But no one has an absolute reality, as every person's reality is the interpretation of what they perceived. Without going into details it's the elephant and the blind men story. a great metaphor to understand that what we think is reality is not ever the case.
You just have to remember, it is your story. You can interpret and write it in any way you want. If you think it's depression, well, the next step would be to understand the reason for it. If you think it's enlightenment, well, you got there and all you can find is peace because you've reached a stage where you understand that everything is Maya. Easier to forgive and forget and accept everything and everyone, as is.